Poor Me or Empowered Me – I choose

“I am a nice guy, they should try to understand me”, I whispered to myself. What followed was a school of similar thoughts swimming through the waters of an identical emotion. More I thought, without asking questions or being mindful of what I was thinking…. I went on.

“I have always been nice to people around me… but they never care about me!” sob sob

“I try my best to keep them happy and entertained.. and .. they don’t even listen to me!” ………………

So I stopped for a moment. There was a fleeting void. I looked around and ran my eyes on and off the stars in sky and asked myself “What is the prominent emotion I have ?”

“Frustration!” I guessed.  “Thought pattern is the same throughout. May be, by the end of this painful thought process, I assume conclusions of which I am not aware”

{By now, I feel the painful emotion is already leaving me. Now I am mindful of this emotion. As soon as I can watch, I am in control}

Conclusions such as :

“I should no longer help him”, “People are damn selfish!”, “This world is full of shitty people and I can not live if I do not assume a manipulating stance”, “Do good, have good is a lie”

Out of  frustration, my state of mind works as an altogether different function. I was giving some inputs to this function F and it was producing some kind of F***ed up output :

{I think I was going deeper }

“Nature of people”        =>  Selfish, bad, opportunistic, nobody – cares

“World”                             => hell, life is not at all beautiful

“How should I be”        => Selfish, manipulative and non-helping

“Goodness ?”                   => hell with that. What did I get in return for my selfless deeds?

“This fellow..”                 => F*** him.

“That book..”                  =>F*** that.

Oh man! This is completely different from what I am, when I am calm and happy. Am I driven by these emotions ? Wait a minute, should I look for the root cause of this painful emotion?

{ I was closer to the root of problem the moment I realized I had a problem in the first place. I stopped as if an orphan football tumbling down on the staircase had suddenly reached the ground. Now I could hear myself breathing}

So I call up my dual personality. Since I have been overpowered by an emotion, I must call someone who is stronger. The second personality does not care if  “I was cheated” or “I got cheated” or “I deserve to get cheated”

“Poor me” had a version of story like this :

“I was always nice to the people. I did everything in my limits to make them happy. I never broke any rules. I never said anything bad to anyone. I never tried to snatch anything I didn’t own. I never pushed someone off his seat. People are no good. They don’t like it when I go out taking Lords name. They don’t like it when I help someone for no reason. They don’t like it when I tell them about my philosophies. People don’t thank me for what I have done for them. People are selfish. People are bad. People are people. They are like that. I shouldn’t be any different”

“Empowered me” changed the story :

“I prefer to be nice with people around me. I remember that things can only get better this way. So I choose to be nice. I do everything in my limits to keep people around me happy and satisfied. I remember that I can be happy only if they are happy. So I choose to keep trying. I do not need to break any rules. They make it easier for me to live in harmony. So I choose to be disciplined. I don’t like to say anything bad to anyone. I will have what I own, nothing more.  I don’t choose what I don’t like. I assumed that people are not good. I chose to believe that which I didn’t like. I observed that people don’t like my devotion to God. I forgot how someone among those people had motivated me to do so.  When I told them about my thoughts, I assumed that they didn’t like it. I forgot how many of them appreciated it. I assumed that people are not grateful for what I have done for them. I forgot how most of them were trying to return the favor without even showing it off. I started to believe that people are selfish. I had forgotten lots of good things.  I forgot about all the good deeds others had done towards me.  I thought people are born to be cruel. I forgot how kind some eyes were. I chose to be like them. I forgot that I hated to be like that. I forgot that I choose – ALWAYS “

“Poor Me” or “Empowered Me” - I choose.